A sexless marriage can happen to anyone, especially if you’ve been married for a while. Those fantastic passionate nights of desire seem to happen less often.
When one spouse is in the mood, it can often be met with less than enthusiastic responses from the other spouse. It’s actually more common than you think. Estimates today place around 15 to 20 percent of all marriages having little to no sexual intimacy.
Left unresolved, this can lead to resentment, depression, and low self-esteem by both spouses in the marriage.
If one of these statements describes you, your marriage can be saved. Download a free copy of The Marriage Repair Handbook, a guide specifically for couples looking for ways to improve their marriage. Also, visit our resources page for additional information.
But, how do marriages end up with little to no sexual intimacy?
What Causes a Sexless Marriage?
There is always a reason behind why a marriage has become sexless. The most common reasons are stressful jobs, weight gain, different sex drives and a lack of communication between couples.
Everyone goes through dry spells where their attention is focused on deadlines at work or the hectic schedules of managing their home life, family, and friends. Often, spouses are simply exhausted and need a break from everything to center themselves before even considering physical touch.
As responsibilities grow, there is not enough time or energy to do things you enjoy. In essence, sex moves further and further down on the priority list. However, being tired and being busy are not the only reasons for not wanting to have sex.
Differing Sex Drives
Sex drive is also a reason, because everyone’s sex drive is different. It’s common to have a different sex drive than your spouse. Your sex drive can be impulsive, progressive or a mixture of both.
An impulsive sex drive is very sudden, intense, and immediate which makes arousal easier for spouses with this type of sex drive. A progressive sex drive is different. It’s a gradual process to get turned on.
You have to receive a specific type of love and touch to reach arousal. You also have to be stimulated consistently in a way that feels good to you (which can be different for every person), then you can become aroused and your desire for sex emerges.
Spouses with two different sex drives have to communicate their arousal needs more effectively to maintain a healthy sex life. Understanding your own arousal and your spouse’s arousal is very important to ensure both spouses feel satisfied and fulfilled.
If you have a progressive sex drive, don’t feel guilty about needing time for your body to become aroused or reach an orgasm. If your spouse has a progressive sex drive, you will have to learn exactly what they need to activate their senses.
They won’t get turned on automatically, because they have different needs in order to feel aroused. Don’t pull away or give up if you don’t figure it out right away.
You need to communicate constantly with your spouse throughout this process to develop intimacy that fulfills both spouses. Understanding and listening to each other also builds intimacy. Intimacy keeps you connected to your spouse which will help your marriage with any other issues beyond sex drives.
Health Related Issues
If having different sex drives isn’t the reason behind your sexless marriage, health-related issues could be the reason. Weight gain affects several aspects of marriage. When one spouse gains a significant amount of weight, they can become dissatisfied with their bodies and feel uncomfortable having someone else touch or see their body. They often feel ashamed and embarrassed about their body.
The physical burden of gaining weight can be just as difficult as the psychological burden. Sex can become extremely uncomfortable and painful on their legs, back, knees and other joints.
Spouses have to communicate about these changes to each other to have a better understanding of how to work through these issues. The best way for spouses to discuss weight changes with their partners is to be upfront, honest and careful.
It’s important to emphasize that you are concerned about your health, your spouse’s health and the health of the relationship. And also, that you don’t want the marriage to end because of weight changes. You want the marriage to improve and become a safe place for both spouses to work through any weight changes and other health related issues.
Prostate Cancer and Sexless Marriage
It’s important to always communicate with your spouse, because serious health related issues are often more difficult to work through. For instance, it can be a real challenge for spouses who are experiencing something like prostate cancer and sexless marriage. In this case, you may have to find different ways to be intimate with your spouse.
Intimacy may never work the same as it did before, but your legs don’t work the same as they did before and other body parts don’t work as well as they did 20 years ago. But, you’re still you, and you can still be intimate and enjoy the touch and feel of your spouse. It’s about perspective and not just sex.
You can try kissing, hugging, flirting, cuddling, dancing, holding hands, giving compliments or giving massages. You will find that it’s fun to explore each other’s bodies and find which areas provide pleasurable sensations and which do not. Then communicate this with each other. Communication is key to restore intimacy back into your sexless marriage.
Sexless Marriage and Affairs
If you’re unable to communicate, it will cause your sexless marriage to become even more strained. Avoiding the topic because it’s uncomfortable will only feed the problem and create distance between you and your spouse. As the distance between the two of you grows, the trust and the connection diminishes, further reducing the desire for sex and intimacy.
When you take out the sexual connection the two of you have shared, it’s hard to continue on without feelings of anger and resentment towards your spouse. These feelings can also turn into self-doubt where one partner wants to be passionate, only to be turned down yet again. The feeling of self-doubt begins to creep in, and hopelessness starts to appear.
It becomes an extremely frustrating experience, especially when one of the spouses still feels the need for sex. Because of this need that’s not being fulfilled, some spouses choose to have an affair to cope with being in a sexless marriage. It is not uncommon for a sexless marriage to lead to an affair. However, cheating truly adds insult to injury, and it won’t solve your problems.
Where to Get Help for Your Sexless Marriage
Many spouses suffer through a sexless marriage, because they want to keep the family together or simply do not want to be left alone. Whatever the reason for staying, there is hope, and there is help.
Follow these numerous tips and helpful information to get your marriage back on track. Embrace sex and intimacy. Take back the passion in your life and rekindle the intimacy you and your spouse used to share.
If you need more help to repair your sexless marriage, download a FREE copy of our eBook, The Marriage Repair Handbook. You can also review our helpful resources to help you achieve a happy and life-long, fulfilling marriage.