Developing intimacy with a widower can be a complex situation, full of emotional and physical challenges. The thought of being with someone else after the loss of a spouse is very difficult for widowers to process. Building intimacy with someone other than their late spouse can feel overwhelming and seemingly impossible. The best way to approach building intimacy with a widower is to gain insight into their perspective.
Download a free copy of The Marriage Repair Handbook, a guide specifically for couples looking for ways to improve their relationship. Also, visit our resources page for additional ways to rekindle the spark in your relationship.
Understanding a Widower’s Perspective
Understanding a widower’s perspective can help you navigate a new relationship with grace and empathy. It can also help you connect intimately with a widower and their journey. A widower’s journey begins with the unfortunate loss of their spouse followed by a heartbreaking period of grief.
A widower has experienced months and possibly years of grief that has felt devastating at times. While grieving, they have felt moments of loneliness, sadness, anger and despair. These are common stages of grief; however, everyone experiences grief differently.
There is no timeline for grieving, because widowers process their emotions at their own pace. Processing their emotions can feel like a rollercoaster that is full of twists and turns. After some time, grieving leads to accepting the loss of their spouse. At that point, they can begin to heal and move forward.
After healing from the stages of grief, widowers then begin to long for intimacy and connection. They miss the emotional support and the physical touch of another person. They desire the opportunity to feel close to someone again. Some intimate moments that widowers may desire can look like:
- Looking forward to seeing each other after a long day
- Having conversations about their day
- Cuddling and watching their favorite shows
- Sitting in silence and sharing glances
- Smiling and laughing at inside jokes
- Showing affection by holding hands
- Enjoying passion, pleasure and sex
- Lying in bed and falling asleep together
- Sharing hugs and kisses in the morning
These intimate moments are deeply missed by widowers. There is a void in their daily lives where intimacy used to be. They crave the opportunity to experience these moments again. They have a burning desire to feel close to someone, hold someone or trust someone again. It’s this same burning desire that encourages widowers to take the leap towards building intimacy with someone else.
Even though widowers crave intimacy and connection, it can be difficult transitioning into a new relationship after the loss of a spouse. Widowers have to open their hearts, express their feelings and be emotionally available to their new partner. This type of transparency and vulnerability may be too taxing on a widower so soon.
Being vulnerable and transparent in a new relationship can be unsettling and disturbing for a widower. They may encounter feelings of guilt, as if they are somehow being dishonest and cheating on their late spouse. They may also feel fear and anxiety, because a new relationship can be very overwhelming to them.
Widowers have to overcome many challenges to build intimacy with a new partner. A supportive partner can help widowers work through their challenges to build a deep, fulfilling and intimate connection with one another.
How to Deepen Intimacy with a Widower
Initiate the Conversation
You may have to take the lead on initiating a conversation about intimacy. Widowers may shy away from intimacy in their new relationship, because they may feel uncomfortable bringing up the subject.
During your conversation, ask him about his needs, his feelings and if he has any doubts or fears about moving forward together. Additionally, his expectations for intimacy may be different from your expectations. Having this conversation brings clarity and understanding to the relationship.
Having this conversation may also bring up a mix of emotions for the widower. If that happens, pause for a moment and allow him to work through those hard feelings and emotions.
Allow him to go at his own pace without expecting more out of him than he can give. A new relationship requires commitment, and he may not be able to commit to a relationship at this point. If needed, try giving him some space to work through any uncertainties and concerns that he may have.
Give Him Space
If he isn’t completely ready to move forward, he may find it challenging to build intimacy at this point. If this is the case, don’t take it personally, remind yourself that he is still navigating his emotions, his thoughts and his memories.
There’s nothing wrong with starting slowly and letting the relationship develop in its own time. Be your own person and allow him to work through his difficulties with no pressure and without rushing the process.
There is no right or wrong length of time for a widower to move forward with their lives. Everyone’s journey is different. Some widowers may need more time than others before they are ready to take that next step.
Once time has passed and he is better prepared to move forward, gently speak to him and express to him your thoughts or concerns. During these moments, you should also be willing to lend a listening ear and offer support and encouragement.
Encourage Him
In a new relationship, widowers may feel like they are abandoning certain parts of their life. They may feel a sense of guilt when reflecting on their past, such as their past memories, past interests, or past relationships.
These feelings may be temporary, so you should encourage him to continue working through his feelings about the past. Encourage him to feel all of his emotions, accept the things that he can’t change, and live his life in the present moment on his own terms.
Also, remind him that he can reflect on the past by remembering the good moments without allowing the bad moments to affect his present life. Let him know that new relationships can’t replace people or erase memories. Instead, new relationships add more people to his life and create new memories to enjoy.
Encourage him to embrace his new life, new relationship and new desires. As he adjusts to his new life, be sure to extend him some grace and compassion along the way.
Extend Grace
You can extend grace and compassion by being kind, gentle and mindful of the way that you interact and communicate with him. It’s important to show him that you genuinely care for him.
He may need grace and compassion to help him rebuild some of his confidence. After losing a spouse, widowers often have to learn how to rely on themselves, trust themselves, and depend on themselves again.
He has to discover the strength, confidence and courage within himself. To help him with this, you can try these ideas:
- Help him make decisions that align with what he truly wants and desires (In his life, in his relationships, in his friendships, in his career, in his hobbies, etc.)
- Help him make small promises and then help him follow through on those promises
- Help him take action and move forward even if he feels stressed, anxious, or fearful
- Help him focus on things in his control and let go of things out of his control
- Help him surround himself with confident and like-minded people
Rebuilding confidence can take time. It’s best to start small and build on your progress with each step. Once he becomes more confident, it may become easier to build intimacy within your relationship.
Summary
Intimacy with a widower can be very fulfilling. It can move slowly at first, but it works best to build intimacy by allowing the relationship to develop at its own pace.
It’s important to note that you can have different forms of intimacy with each other. Each form of intimacy comes with its own beauty and appeal.
Intimacy can be emotional, physical, spiritual, and intellectual. You can have one without having them all, but the more intimacy you both share, the deeper your bond will become.
To experience all levels of intimacy, first, try to understand the widower’s perspective. Then, have a conversation about intimacy to address any questions, feelings or concerns.
Meaningful communication is the best and most effective way to experience true intimacy with a widower. However, some widowers may not be emotionally available to work towards deepening your connection.
If this happens, give him space if needed, and encourage him to embrace his new life by showing him grace and compassion. Building intimacy with a widower can take time, so it’s best to start slowly and build on intimacy as your bond grows.
Building a strong foundation is the best way to ensure that your connection remains strong to sustain a fulfilling physical and emotional relationship.
If any issues persist, extend grace and remove any stress or pressure from your relationship. For more guidance, download a free copy of our eBook, The Marriage Repair Handbook or visit our resources page.