When you picture the beginning of your relationship, chances are you never imagined you would have to learn how to forgive yourself for cheating.
The thought of committing infidelity may seem like an impossible scenario, entirely out of character. But as time goes on, you realize reality is messy and the happily ever after you imagined has many bumps along the way.
Release the Guilt and Shame
If you find yourself in the nightmare scenario of trying to rebuild your relationship after cheating, you know the guilt and shame it brings. Your partner is hurting, and so are you, as you both try to unravel the layers that accompany the healing process.
It may be tempting to hold onto this guilt and shame, believing you deserve to feel bad for the heartaches you’ve caused. But, doing so will only prolong the process and make it more painful for everyone involved.
Forgiving yourself allows you to get to the root cause of your actions and gives your relationship the chance to survive. Forgiveness doesn’t mean giving up responsibility for your actions.
Instead, it gives you the freedom to own your mistakes and move forward toward the future. If you’re struggling to forgive your past actions, these steps can help you to accept your own forgiveness and step into the future a better person.
Determining Why You Cheated
There are many possibilities that drive people into a position of infidelity, but the most important aspect is accepting responsibility for your own actions. Before you can begin the process of self-forgiveness, it’s essential to identify what compelled you to cheat in the first place.
Whether you felt neglected by your partner, bored, unloved, or a myriad of other reasons, the hard truth is that you made the decision to be unfaithful. Regardless of how your partner acted previously, it’s not their fault.
What Was Your Reason?
This step is often the hardest because it forces you to look at yourself in an unflattering light, admitting you’re capable of actions you never thought were possible. However, once you accept the truth, you can begin the healing and forgiveness process. To start, you need to be completely honest about why you chose to cheat.
It may start with one of the reasons stated above, which on the surface are centered on your partner, but the true driving factor lies deeper within yourself. Determining the root cause can shed light on your actions, whether it’s fear of abandonment from childhood, low self-esteem, or something else.
Once you have a deep understanding of your actions, you can address the emotions, fears, and pain attached to them that helped contribute to your infidelity. Together, with the steps listed below, you can find forgiveness in yourself, regardless of the status of your relationship with your partner.
Steps To Forgive Yourself for Cheating
- Accept Responsibility
Accepting responsibility for your actions is the first step towards forgiveness. You must recognize the mistake you made and view it as a choice, not simply an accident, eliminating all excuses and owning your decision.
You are human, and you will make mistakes. The important thing is to learn from them and to ensure they never happen again. Let your partner know that you take accountability for your actions and the pain you caused them. Let them know that you are working to ensure you never repeat the same mistakes in the future.
- Be Transparent With Your Partner
Provide your partner with full transparency, even if you wish to forget everything that happened. They may have many questions, and it’s vital that you answer them honestly without anger or frustration. Your answers should be sincere and show them humility and repentance.
Remember, they may feel insecure and betrayed, so show them you are willing to accommodate their feelings. Your honesty will not only help them but also relieve a burden you are carrying on your shoulders. As you open up, you will feel better, which allows you to begin forgiving yourself too.
- Give a Sincere Apology
Apologizing is a humbling experience. It causes us to put our pride aside and face our humanity. It also gives us a chance for a fresh start, regardless of how the other person reacts.
Many times the thought that your partner will never forgive you can hold you back and strike fear in your heart. By apologizing, you’re facing that fear head on, which is freeing in itself. Even if they don’t accept your apology, you will no longer dread the unknown and can deal with the reality in front of you.
- Ditch The Excuses
Excuses are the enemy of forgiveness; they inhibit you from taking responsibility, apologizing, and developing deep and lasting connections. When you make excuses for cheating, it tells your partner that you have no remorse and no regrets for your actions.
You may try to convince yourself of good reasons on why you cheated, but deep down, the guilt will eat away at you over time. An excuse-based mindset will lead you down a path of relationship jumping and buried guilt. It’s better to own up to your infidelity now than to let it fester and grow, affecting you and your partners’ future.
- Cut Off Contact With The Other Person
You may be surprised at the number of people who remain in contact with the person they cheated with. To move forward and forgive yourself, you must eliminate all contact with that person to ensure the act will never be repeated. Doing this will help you move past the guilt and shame to focus on the future and not the past.
- Change Up Your Routine
Changing your routine may seem strange, but it can help you on your path to self-forgiveness. Take some time to review your daily schedule and see what may have contributed to your decision to cheat.
Do you go out to the bar alone after work to unwind? Maybe you travel a lot for work? Do you fail to receive the adequate rest that would help you make better choices?
What about your mindset? Routine isn’t only about physical actions. Do you constantly belittle your partner? Do you tell yourself you deserve better? When you examine these areas, you may discover you’ve put yourself in a position that veers toward cheating.
By taking out any toxic thoughts or actions, you can begin seeing yourself, your relationship, and your partner in a more positive light, which is a major step towards forgiveness.
- Determine What You Want In Life
Once you’ve addressed the root cause of why you cheated, you need to determine what you want in your life. Do you want to remain in your relationship? Do you want to experience the single life?
These questions are incredibly important for you to answer for yourself. You must then make your desires known to your partner, so they will know what you’re thinking.
It doesn’t guarantee that they will be on the same page, especially if you want to remain in the relationship. But, it’s the first step towards determining your future. If your partner wants to end the relationship, you will go through a period of mourning for what is lost.
It is vital for you to allow yourself to go through these feelings and not suppress them or ignore them. If you don’t work through your feelings, they will manifest in future relationships, setting those relationships up for failure.
- Be Prepared To Accept The Outcome
All actions have consequences, and sometimes being sorry isn’t enough to undo the damage. Your partner may forgive you and want to work on healing the relationship, or they may not. You must prepare yourself to accept their decision.
Relationships affected by cheating often go on to recover and prosper, but some do not. Regardless of the outcome, you will have to learn how to live in forgiveness. Remember, forgiving yourself isn’t for someone else; it’s for you. It sets you free to move forward and make better choices in the future.
Forgive Yourself and Move On
Forgiving yourself after cheating may seem like an impossible concept, but you can do it. Although it doesn’t remove the consequences, forgiveness frees you to make better choices and learn from the past.
Holding on to the guilt and shame will not undo your actions. It only keeps you from growing and healing in the future. Using the above steps, you can find forgiveness and become a better version of yourself, one day at a time.
To improve your relationship even further, download a FREE copy of our eBook, The Marriage Repair Handbook. You can also review more of our helpful resources to help you achieve a fulfilling relationship.