If you find yourself saying, “My wife never initiates intimacy”, you may begin to wonder why that is the case. Intimacy within your marriage is a special time when you and your wife can connect in a meaningful and profound way. But, intimacy is more than just sex. There are various aspects of intimacy that include a physical and emotional connection.
When you feel that you are always the one to initiate intimacy, it can begin to seem as if your wife isn’t as interested as she once was. Many men around the world find themselves in this same position which means you are not alone.
In fact, 78% of men initiate intimacy more than half the time. So, does that mean that women, aren’t as interested in sex as men? Not at all! Although women don’t think about sex as often as men, they enjoy it just as much.
There are various reasons why men and women may have different thoughts on sex. Since women also want intimacy, why is it that they never seem to initiate it? Well, the answer boils down to biology.
Why Do Men Initiate Intimacy More Often?
Although not a popular opinion in today’s world, men and women are biologically different. The way our bodies are developed directly affects our desire to initiate intimacy, which is why so many more men than women initiate first.
Beginning in the womb, men’s bodies start filling up with a hormone called testosterone. This powerful hormone is responsible for the increased sex drive that occurs in men.
On the other hand, although testosterone is present within their bodies, women don’t have nearly the same levels as men. Without the higher hormone levels, women don’t feel the same urges for sex as frequently as men.
Another reason your wife may not initiate intimacy could be due to another biological feature that differentiates her body from yours. In general, men have what’s called Spontaneous Desire, and women have a Responsive Desire. Spontaneous desire shows itself at any time and in any place. You could be on the train, in the grocery store or on the couch, and you’re ready to go!
Women, in general, do not work that way. They tend to have a responsive desire. Women need to have something that gets them in the mood for intimacy. It could be a romantic dinner date, a sensual massage, or a sweet and thoughtful note you leave for her.
She feels ready for intimacy in response to something that happens to or around her. Generally speaking, men feel spontaneous desire 80% of the time compared to women who feel it only 20%. That’s a significant difference.
Knowing that women are more likely to have a responsive desire explains why you’re always the one having to make the first move.
What Can I Do To Encourage My Wife?
Now that you have some insight into how women develop intimacy, here are some things you can do to help encourage your wife to initiate intimacy more often.
Understand How Biology Affects You
Now that you know how different you and your wife can be, you can begin to use that knowledge to help guide her toward initiating intimacy. If she has a responsive desire, do things that she finds attractive and make her feel loved.
Write her small love notes that she can find throughout the day, make her dinner, or do the laundry. Most importantly, talk to her and figure out the things she appreciates the most.
Evaluate Your Connection
Men and women may differ on what they need in order to be intimate with another person. Many men find they don’t need their wives to constantly “woo” them to feel comfortable enough to be intimate.
Women, however, have an incredibly strong emotional and physical connection in their bodies, and if they don’t feel connected to you emotionally, they may not want an intimate connection with you.
Women want to feel safe, heard, loved, and cherished. They want to know that you adore them for who they are and not just for what you can get from them with sex. A disconnect outside the bedroom will quickly translate to a lack of intimacy inside the bedroom.
Pay attention to the things she’s telling you. What may seem like “nagging” could be her way of saying she feels overwhelmed and under-appreciated. When you regain your emotional connection, you may just see an increase in her initiating intimacy.
Open Communication
Communication is an essential part of any healthy marriage, and that translates to your sex life as well. If you’re bothered with her never being the one to initiate, take some time and let her know.
If you aren’t comfortable voicing your feelings, you could try writing them down and reading them to her. Just make sure you use words like, “I feel” and not “you make me feel.”
Remember, she can’t read your mind, so clearly stating what you’re feeling is the best way to let her know what you want. When you’re talking, understand her reasons for not initiating intimacy with you and what you can do to make her feel more comfortable. Let her know how deeply it affects you and how much you would love for her to get things going once in a while.
Although men are often told they have to be stoic and not feel emotions, nothing could be farther from the truth. Your feelings are valid, and it’s ok to be vulnerable with your wife.
Men want to feel loved, appreciated and desired by their wives, so tell her that to give her insight into your love language. Open communication is one of the best ways to increase intimacy in your marriage as a whole, not just simply in the bedroom.
What Else Can I Do?
As hard as it may be, be patient and show your wife some grace. Sometimes, especially if there are prior problems that have happened in the marriage, the healing needed for your wife to initiate intimacy may take time. Examples may include past trauma, stress, feeling overwhelmed, having young kids, exhaustion, and more.
Women often feel like the world is on their shoulders when they have to take care of the house, the kids, and work all at the same time. Women constantly have a million different things running through their heads at once.
Chances are, she just needs some time to become comfortable with initiating intimacy more often. In the meantime, try focusing on improving yourself and becoming the best husband you can be.
It’s important to remember that marriage is a team effort and a partnership. Even if you are the only one currently initiating intimacy, the connection you two share is still worth the effort! Find more helpful tips in our Marriage Repair Handbook along with our resources page.